Civil Court was stalled. Everyone I spoke to told me that I'd have to wait for the civil divorce agreement to be done before I could receive my Get.

That was not accurate information.

I tried so many things, and in the end, help arrived from an unexpected source...

I was in an abusive relationship- extreme physical abuse.

My Ex would verbally threaten me with violence, and then hit me, beat me, brutally assault me.

He put me in the hospital a couple of times. I required surgeries due to the injuries he inflicted on me.

He continued to abuse me right there in the hospital.

The short version of my story is this: I married a raging grandiose narcissist. The relationship was toxic and abusive, caused me to lose a lot of myself, and he will never let me go.  

But still, I went. 

I struggled to obtain my freedom and be considered single again by Jewish Law… It was a long, long journey, and I explored all the avenues available to me. Baruch Hashem, I finally got my p’tur from the International Beit Din. 

The following details the different efforts I made to receive my Get.

This story is shared in the Agunah’s own words and reflects her personal experiences. The views expressed do not necessarily represent the opinions or positions of Get Jewish Divorce Justice.

The Decision to Leave

Two and a half years ago, I made the life-changing decision to separate from my former spouse. I took my three children and began divorce proceedings in civil court. At first, I was hesitant to bring up the Get, fearing that it would give my ex-husband leverage in an already acrimonious situation. I didn’t want him to know how much I wanted it, worried he’d use it against me.

Eventually, I did bring up the Get, but my ex-husband refused outright. “I will never give you a Get,” he said. Feeling trapped, I reached out to the Rabbinical Council of California (RCC) to open a case for a Get. Their response was disheartening: they wouldn’t get involved unless both parties were in agreement or until the civil divorce was finalized.

I was an Agunah for three years.
We separated in 2019. 

My Ex was already living with someone else before I even reached out to the Bais Din. He had been cheating on me during our marriage. 

There was very clearly no option for Shalom Bayit…
Still, I felt like I was being patronized, or placated.

Even though we were separated for 20 months, and I asked for a Get, many people told me I am not an agunah yet.

Becoming an Agunah is pretty simple. My spouse will not sign a Get to dissolve my dead marriage, which leaves me chained, so I am an Agunah.

Becoming a Get Refuser is a little more complicated, and is a self-inflicted title.
I want to talk about that.

Publicly shaming another person is forbidden by Jewish Law. It is comparable to murder.

Bais Din did not call out my spouse as a Get Refuser lightly.

Bais Din did not call out my spouse as a Get Refuser quickly.

Getting the Seruv was a long process.

Here’s how my spouse got issued his Seruv. 
(This version is a little embellished to respect privacy.)