Civil Court was stalled. Everyone I spoke to told me that I'd have to wait for the civil divorce agreement to be done before I could receive my Get.
That was not accurate information.
I tried so many things, and in the end, help arrived from an unexpected source...
This story is shared in the Agunah’s own words and reflects her personal experiences, views and opinions. It does not necessarily reflect the views, values or beliefs of the Get Jewish Divorce Justice organization.
“Can I have a get?”
I asked for a get right at the beginning, when it was clear to me that my marriage had degraded beyond repair and communications had broken down. We were still living under the same roof, so technically, we wouldn’t even qualify for a get, but I wanted to get the ball rolling.
My Ex ignored me.
We weren't even speaking to each other directly, but I tried.
I emailed him: “Can I have a get?”
He ignored the email.
Next step?
I did some research on Jewish divorce and I applied to JDAC. (The Jewish Divorce Assistance Center of Los Angeles.)
JDAC offers free mediation services- they apply a mediation-based approach to divorce. They are knowledgeable about the process of attaining a civil divorce, and also the religious process of the get. I felt like they had an idea about the emotional challenges, as well as the logistical challenges of the divorce.
I’d recommend their services, but…
In my case, mediation was not effective, since my Ex did not cooperate.
Divorce mediation doesn’t work when there is a high level of conflict, or when one of the parties is not willing to disclose information fully, or unwilling to be cooperative.
Two and a half years after I initially requested a get, I finally moved out of the place we were sharing.
JDAC tried to bring the get up in mediation, but since mediation went nowhere, the get process didn’t go anywhere either.
“We’re not moving forwards with JDAC,” my Ex decided, so he hired an attorney and filed for divorce using the legal court system.
“Can I have my get?” I asked, when I got the divorce paperwork.
“Let’s finalize the civil divorce first,” said my Ex.
This delay was supported by the Bais Din’s policy.
When I applied to Bais Din, I said, “I’m currently in court for my divorce and I’d like to receive my get.”
“Is your husband also interested in proceeding with the get at this time?”
“Uh… not really…?”
“Are you civilly divorced already?”
“No, we’re in the process of settling all matters related to the dissolution of the marriage.”
“Come back when you have finalized the civil divorce.”
It is common for Batei Din to wait until the marital partnership is fully dissolved (financials and child custody agreements) before arranging the giving of the get, but this practice is a chumrah (stringency). There is no genuine halachic concern and signing a get without waiting for the civil to be resolved is totally possible.
Still, many Batei Din maintain this policy, including the Bait Din I applied to.
Here’s the problem: Court takes time.
Dissolving a marriage in family court can take years, in fact.
In my case, we are still in litigation.
Why?
The court has not been able to determine the genuine scope of my Ex’s financial assets, and so we cannot proceed with the financial aspects of the divorce.
My Ex says he is in debt, so the court didn’t make him responsible to pay for my legal fees.
I need to pay for my legal fees every time the court convenes, and I don’t exactly have that kind of money.
I have to pay for my attorney, and she doesn’t want to proceed any further without having accurate information about the real scope of my Ex’s assets.
My Ex’s business is cash-based, so it’s hard to find any written record, beyond his self-reporting, about his actual income.
In order to truly determine the scope of his financial assets, I have to hire a forensic accountant.
I cannot afford that.
My civil divorce has ground to a halt.
If I had to wait until “all court matters were finalized” to receive my get, I’d still be waiting.
A good friend of mine suggested contacting Esther Macner at the GJDJ as a good resource.
I had so many questions, like how to change my Ex’s mind about giving the get right away, and what my options are besides waiting and waiting and waiting for my civil divorce to be finalized.
I didn’t want to trust the court to help facilitate my get.
Was there a Bais Din in New York or somewhere that would be helpful to approach?
Can I trust the RCC to have my best interests in mind if I sign their arbitration form?
And so on.
Esther gave me her time. Her information was accurate and incredibly useful. She gave me both legal advice and halachic advice.
She was willing to put in the hours and do work for me, like calling countless people who were instrumental in our lives.
After I contacted Esther Macner, she also called one of her contacts, who worked with JDAC. They also knew my Ex, and she thought this individual might be able to have some influence on my Ex due to the connection they shared.
The staff at JDAC were so nice. They were willing to try again after the way things fell apart the first time. They sincerely wanted to help me, regardless of my Ex’s hostility, allegations and unreasonable demands.
They were willing to let me restart the process. We tried to make the mediation process work two more times, but, again, it simply failed to move forward.
I remember that Esther tried to contact our family Rabbi, to ask him to intervene with my Ex on my behalf.
That didn’t end up being helpful as our Rabbi was not well and his health was deteriorating at the time. He wasn’t able to get involved.
She contacted people my Ex is close to and tried to figure out a way to reason with them; or get them to reason with my Ex.
She may have contacted my Ex directly. I don’t even know all the details of the legwork she put in.
I do know how many hours it can take just to reach three people…and she perseveres. She is tireless.
It all made me feel very supported, which in itself was already a huge chesed.
Esther offered me the option of pursuing an annulment with the International Beit Din, but I wasn’t sold on that idea, because it’s not universally accepted, and it is certainly not accepted as a reliable heter in the community I live in. I wanted my get to be done in the most halachically reliable and widely accepted fashion.
Esther didn’t really get involved with my secular divorce because it was pretty much stalled.
I felt like she did so much for me, but even she wasn’t able to push the get through.
I thought I was never, ever going to get closure on my marriage.
In the end, my daughter grew and reached a new stage in life: “Shidduchim.”
She went to my Ex, who has always doted on her, and asked him to give me a get.
“Nobody’s going to go out with me,” she said. “It’s hard enough to get a date with parents that are divorced. If you keep withholding the get, it will reflect badly on me and the whole family and I won’t have any decent prospects.”
He never liked to upset her.
So… he made an appointment at the RCC and signed that get.
On the day of the get signing appointment, my friend escorted me to the RCC.
It was fine, really.
He did spend some time being difficult, but fortunately he showed up and at the end of the day, he signed it.
There was so much stress surrounding the get, and even the actual process of the get. It didn’t feel pleasant or healing. It felt like a very technical series of steps.
It is a formal, somber ceremony, as it should be.
It is a short ceremony. It’s anti-climactic after all the negotiations and chaos from his threats of withdrawing and the renewed cajoling to keep the process going.
There was nothing in the process that was designed to give me space for my feelings.
There were no grand bells ringing or fireworks going off to mark the occasion.
I didn’t think I’d get emotional.
Still, when it was done, there was that one little moment that caught me off guard.
I am still in court. My daughter is still not married. The hall to the outside has been a long, dark dream.
I am still getting up each day and doing everything I can to hold life together for myself and my kids.
Life is chaos- deadlines, disappointments, noise- but there are those quiet, shining moments. The small pauses are easy to overlook in the grand scheme of things, but they are a reminder that joy doesn’t always come in grand gestures.
Sometimes it is tucked gently between the madness, just waiting to be noticed.
Allow yourself to stop and savor the fragments of peace.
That is where the meaning and beauty of life is, even in your most turbulent seasons.
Esther’s Notes:
There are two things that stand out for me here.
- We need to talk about this policy of delaying the giving of the get until all civil matters are resolved. I do not support this policy and I have successfully worked with Bais Din to get them to move forward with the get regardless of where the civil divorce was holding.
If you are in a high conflict divorce and being told by a Bais Din to wait for the civil divorce before pursuing the get, please give me a call. I can help with this matter.
- Should adult children get involved with a parent's refusal to give a get?
Obviously, it depends on the child, but my belief can be simply summarized as ‘why not?’
In my experience,mothers will often shy away from involving the children in any aspect of the parental relationship, and I fully understand and respect that position- when they are children.
But sometimes, they are adults.
They can decide how to engage with the situation.
Get-refusal affects the lives of adult children in many ways, and their involvement can be respectful and in line with the laws of Kibbud Av V’Em.
Adult children have the kind of influence with a get-refuser that nobody else on the planet does.
Esther Macner is the founder of Get Jewish Divorce Justice
Which is a non profit organization based in Los Angeles.
Dedicated to the prevention of abuse in the Jewish divorce process, using legal and Halakhic strategies to help navigate get refusal in both the Base Din and the court systems.
If you, or anyone you know, is struggling to receive your Get, call Esther Macner at 310-730-5282 or email her at [email protected]. Strictly confidential.
