Introduction

I am happy to help Esther Macner’s organization by sharing my story. The GJDJ (Get Jewish Divorce Justice Organization) plays a very important role in helping with an issue that many people probably don’t understand, because Thank G-d, they don’t have to deal with it.

Personal Background

Initial Situation

To be honest, I’ve really tried to leave this episode of my life behind, though I’ve carried the practical consequences for years after my Ex finally accepted the Get.

When I hear some other stories, I feel blessed that the situation only lasted for a few months, but they really seemed interminable at the time.

Decision to Divorce

My relationship had been in decline for a long time. For many years, we stuck it out, basically leading separate lives. We were both busy and content with our jobs and our rich social life within the Jewish Orthodox community, but I made the decision to see if there was any way for me to still have a happier life than remaining in a marriage that for all intents and purposes was just being roommates. Being stuck in a bad marriage was a guarantee that I would never find happiness, and even being alone seemed like a better option.

Beginning of the Process

Initial Steps

At first, when I told my wife I wanted a divorce, things were relatively civilized.

Request for a Get | Frustration with Beth Din

As the mediation progressed, I asked her if we could already get a Get, so at least we would be divorced religiously. To my surprise, she refused. It was the first time that somebody was openly limiting my freedom, and I had a lot of frustration about it.

I filed an application for a Get at my local Bais Din, the Rabbinical Council of California (RCC). Over the course of my interactions with the Beth Din, I contacted both the Rabbis, but mostly I interacted with the Beth Din’s secretary via email. The Beth Din let me know that the accepted norm was to wait until the civil matters are settled. The agreement in Civil Court needed to be finalized first, before progressing with the Get.

I pointed out that the civil matter was unrelated to the religious matter. I know there are Batei Din where there is no conditioning of the Get. They just reiterated that until both parties were willing to accept the Get, they would not proceed. After the RCC expressed their position, it became very difficult for me to have my calls and emails returned.

Challenges Faced

That’s when I contacted the GJDJ organization to speak with Esther Macner. She offered several solutions and strategies. She started by offering to call my Ex to reason with her. That didn’t work. My Ex was not interested in having that conversation and asked Esther not to call again.

Community Interference

Then, Esther suggested that I have our Rabbi intercede. I also tried to get a few more people to get involved. I honestly believed that giving my wife a Get was better for her too—and that took her a long time to understand. At the time of our divorce, she wasn’t exactly focused on understanding my motivations.

I thought other people may be able to get through to her so we can interact in a more reasonable matter, but when I approached, I mostly received patronizing answers from people asking me, "What’s the Hurry?"

On top of hitting the blockade at the Beth Din, I was starting to feel like I was stuck in a fishbowl. People felt like they were in a position to advise, comment, and patronize me—and interfere with my life under the guise of “helping.” I never experienced anything like it before my divorce. People had never crossed boundaries into my business like that before.

That’s really not what I was contacting them for. I was only looking for assistance to get my Ex to come to the table so I could sign the Get.

I could sense that my Rabbi’s reluctance to get involved was due to his belief that if he didn’t help me get divorced, he was giving me more time to think through my decision to divorce, and I may reconcile with my Ex and stay in the marriage. Again, it was a decision that I wasn’t asking him to make for me. I knew him for a decade, but after that, I left the congregation.

Seeking Help from GJDJ

Contacting Esther Macner

Esther Macner did actually take the time (a lot of time) to familiarize herself with the situation.

Since I wasn’t able to get through to the RCC, and they wouldn’t budge on their position about signing a Get before finalizing the divorce in civil court, Esther suggested that we use another Beth Din—one that was out of town. The International Beit Din do summon spouses for the Get without waiting for the civil case to wind its way through the court. They also investigate whether certain dynamics within the marriage are sufficient grounds to void the marriage, which enables people to remarry without a Get.

Efforts by GJDJ

When I researched further, however, I found out that such a ruling would not be universally accepted. It was important to me to have a strictly Orthodox Get that would be considered valid everywhere. My choice was either to work with people who understood the constraints of dealing with the Get and were willing to use all the Halachic tools they could find, or being stuck and unable to deal with the Beth Din that is stringent in their interpretation of the laws of Gittin.

I would have liked to sit down with the Rabbis and have a chance to explain the realities of my situation; to give them an accurate picture of what I felt I was dealing with- same with the people I approached. I may have valued their input if they would take the time to interpret things accurately before they interfered.

Resolution and Aftermath

Final Agreement

When I realized there was really no way out, and I didn’t want to be stuck in the situation for months or years while we worked out the civil divorce, I ended up giving in to almost all of my Ex’s demands in the civil agreement. I accepted terms that have later impacted my life negatively. I just wanted to sign and get the whole thing over with.

The position of the Beth Din, where they would not proceed with a Get until all civil matters were settled, basically allowed my Ex to use my religious values as a way to gain leverage in negotiating the terms she wanted for the civil arrangements, and to exert more control over all the details of the situation.

Impact on Life

I think that at the time, I was frustrated when I saw how she was able to weaponize and use as leverage an archaic law that gives all the power to a disgruntled ex-spouse to withhold the other’s freedom—but even more than that, I was frustrated with the fact that the Beth Din, which I approached, refused to help. They refused to return my call and emails. They offered no options, no support, no information. I think this is where the real problem lies. I believe they can do more to encourage the recalcitrant party to comply.

I feel very bad for all these women who have been stuck in this intolerable vice for years. I couldn’t handle being “chained” even for the relatively short time my situation lasted.

The whole situation created a lot of added animosity and resentment, and I feel that it impacted the way we co-parent our children. Had things gone otherwise, we would have a more peaceful interaction today.

Critique of the System

The point I wish to make is not the anecdotal facts of what happened between my ex and me, but my experience of how the religious, Orthodox Beth Din system is creating these untenable situations by enabling the power of the recalcitrant party to refuse a religious divorce unless the civil case is completed, keeping the other spouse hostage and unable to move on.

We have to live within our times. I believe the Halachos were written in ways that allow for certain adjustments to the times we live in. I know that there are Batei Din out there who function differently, but it’s hard to make changes that will be accepted unilaterally in today’s Jewish world.

I wish Esther Macner and her organization much success. Anyone who assists in these matters should be blessed.

- shared by past Agun